Why you should tap into your grief

Why this is worth your 5 minutes

If you’ve ever held yourself to impossible standards, pushed through burnout, or avoided slowing down, this episode with Amar will feel like someone finally saying the thing you’ve struggled to articulate. Amar Parmar is CoFounder of BAE HQ and speaks from lived experience of grief, and Punjabi cultural pressure to hold it together.

3 Lessons You Can Apply Today

Here are the three most transferable lessons for those who want steady, intentional growth.

1. Treat yourself how you would a friend

After his father passed away, Amar describes a period where his inner critic became brutal:

“I would just… attack myself constantly when I was going to sleep, when I was alone.”

What finally shifted things was following the thread of his thoughts all the way through, and realising the standard he held himself to was one he’d never apply to anyone else.

Try this:

Tonight, type out one recurring negative thought you’ve been having. Then answer this: Would I say this to a friend? If not, rewrite it as if you were speaking to them with compassion.

2. Avoidance is a response to trauma

When grief hit, Amar tried to outrun it:

“If I was always exhausted, then when I got home, I would just fall asleep… I kept trying to avoid that emotion.”

The real progress came when he finally let himself feel things fully even if that meant a temporary spike in pain.
This applies to grief, burnout, breakups, and work stress. If you don’t face it, it festers.

Try this:

Block out 20 minutes this week in your calendar for “Feel + Process”. No phone, no distractions. Allow the emotions to float into consciousness. You’re not fixing anything; you’re letting your system exhale.

3. You need to tell people how to support you

Amar says something most of us need to hear:

“Nobody knows how to react to somebody who’s dealing with grief… You can’t expect your friends to be mind-readers.”

Whether you’re overwhelmed at work or emotionally stuck, people often want to help but sometimes they need you to tell them how.

Try this:

Send one message today to someone you trust: “Hey, I’m dealing with a lot right now. What would help most is ___ (a chat / distraction / advice / just sitting with me). Would you be up for that?”

Remember, you are not burdening others but rather sharing a blueprint.

The messy truth behind Amar’s success

From the outside, Amar looks like someone who had a meteoric rise, from leaving tech consulting to becoming one of Medium’s fastest-growing writers and co-founding BAE HQ. The nice do at The House of Lords too of course.
But the truth is far messier: his biggest moments of growth happened in the same season as his biggest losses.

His achievements were tangled with grief, self-doubt, and pressure to honour his dad’s legacy. Pressure he later realised was impossible and self-inflicted.

Annie’s Anecdote

What struck me most wasn’t Amar’s accomplishments, it was his willingness to admit how much he struggled internally while appearing high-functioning on the outside. His story is a reminder that healing isn’t linear, and strength isn’t loud.

My biggest takeaway?
You don’t need to “earn” rest or emotional softness. You deserve it by virtue of being human.
And sometimes the bravest thing you can do is tell someone, “I’m not okay today.”

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ChatGPT drafted the first copy of this article before I came in to edit. If ChatGPT was my intern, my feedback would be: medium edits here, the tips are getting too lengthy and you kept repeating the same points. please be succint!